How you (and your kids) can help a friend going through IVF...

There is so much to tell y'all.  Lots of precious stories about kiddos and birthday parties and the planning of said birthday parties.  But right now, as one of our small group couples goes through IVF, this post has been heavy on my heart.  Not sure why, but I don't ignore the nudging.  

Anyone else watch Robin Roberts' at the ESPY's?  Both the presentation about her journey and her speech were powerful.  Personally, I loved her calling out her sister saying you could always find her because she was the one with her hands in the air praising Jesus.  But maybe that was just me.  Anyway, Robin said her mother always taught her to let her "mess be her message."

In our church, we refer to it at "His Story" when talking about the journey God plans for us.

Back in the day (the same day when we sung hymns and men wore suits), we church-folk used to call this your "testimony."  That is antiquated language now.  Apparently.

Regardless, my mess, His Story, my testimony is in large part about infertility.  What I know from this side of it, when most days I am feeling much more "momma" than "infertile," is the journey is worth it. The foundation of faith and thankfulness God built was done brick by heavy brick along that three year journey to Aubrey Kate.  

And because of the JOY Christ gave me through it and in it and oh so after it, my approach to anyone traveling the tough journey to grow their family is one of excitement and anticipation.  There is simply too much sadness surrounding the process.  So many women asking hard questions about God's goodness, His love and His mercy.  Questions I don't have answers to and neither does anyone else.  But what I know is if you let Him, He will leave you in absolute AWE of all those qualities He is.  

For that reason, I get super excited about infertility!

But I know not everyone feels that way.  And if you've never traveled the path, you likely feel ill-equipped and a little like a fish out of water.  So I thought I would share with y'all some things you can do to help.  This is what we have done and I am really amazed at how Aubrey Kate has taken to it.  Sweet girl, she wants to pray for them a lot and always has questions.  

Shock.  A toddler with questions.  

1.  Listen - This sounds so simple but it's not.  Infertiles have a hard time articulating exactly what they are feeling sometimes.  And for sure, that line of what you can and should share verse what will make everyone feel horribly awkward can be really blurry.  Add in the fact that some of us just by our nature don't handle suffering all that well.  Southerners are really good at avoidance.  Oh sure, we'll talk about it.  But only in whispered voices.  Almost as if "infertile" is a four letter word.  

Put all that aside.  Hold her hand.  Look at her face.  Focus on the words she is saying.  And I promise you, the story will fall right out of her.  Most suffer through this in silence.  Not sure why.  Depends on the woman.  Some feel like a failure.  Some feel like they deserve it.  Some feel abandoned.  Regardless, she has walls up only love can pull down.  Be that love for her.

2.  Support her vision of motherhood - I firmly believe if God has given a woman a desire to be a mother, He will make that happen.  Not in our time frame.  Not in the way we likely imagined when we started "trying" two or ten years ago.  But if you are willing to follow where He leads and put your own fears (and idols) aside, motherhood is waiting.  My journey included letting go of all that.  No matter where she is in that process, she is desperately seeking a light at the end of the tunnel.  Some sign she will be a mother some day.  

Let her share her dreams.  Her fears.  The idols she may have set up around her.  Support her by assuring her only God can create life.  She can do nothing.  No amount of striving will make it happen sooner or later than God has already ordained.  Be that light at the end of the tunnel.  A light pointing her to our Creator.  That's where she will find her comfort and hope.  

3.  Stand in her shoes - Someone once told me if we were all to throw our troubles into the middle of a circle and had the chance to chose a different set, we'd evidently pick up the same ones we threw in.  Not sure that's entirely true.  But the point gets across.  

Understand, even if you have traveled an infertile road, you haven't traveled hers.  No one brings the same baggage to this journey.  Remember that and let the Holy Spirit guide you as you speak.  Throwing a whole lot of "I think" or "well, if it were me" into the situation is not the way to go.  I know, because I've made that mistake.  

I also recognize and understand some people will disagree entirely with infertility treatments.  A couple of weeks ago, I heard a story about a women who gets pregnant so easily she actually picks her kids birthdays before they try.  This women has no idea what it would be like to wait even a month.  Or forty.  Regardless, she is dead set against any infertility treatments.  They aren't natural, she says.  If God wants you to have a baby, then you will.  Science undermines God and His plan.

There is so much about those statements that make me want to punch something but those are her "shoes."  I think of them as super expensive, designer and brand spankin' new.  Mine are worn thread-bare and are all kinds of stained.  God didn't call us to the same journey.  And He didn't define "trouble."  Only we'd have some.  

Recognize your "trouble" doesn't necessarily give you vision into her "trouble."  Put yourself in her shoes before you stick whatever shoe you're wearing that day directly into your mouth.

4.  Tell your children - Here's the fun part!  Tell your kids.  

Aubrey Kate has questions these days about why some people have kiddos and some don't.  That started, I think, because her babysitters don't have kids.  They're 16.  But that's not something she can grasp yet.  To her, 16 and 36 are the same.  Thankfully, it's not.  I told her some people don't have kids because they aren't ready yet, some because they are waiting for God to give them a child and some because they aren't called to be mommies and daddies.  

She knows we waited a long time for her.  She knows she is a gift from God.  She knows she is a miracle.  But that's all hard to really understand.  Reciting it back to us doesn't mean she gets it.

Our small group couple has been an awesome example of this.  We have been given so many opportunities to talk about this with her.  She sees them without kids (and toys) and wonders why.  It's a great opportunity to start teaching about patience and God's timing.  Sometimes, Aubrey Kate, we don't get what we want when we want it.  And sometimes we don't get it the way we want it.  What we can do is ask for God to help!

All that does is make her want to pray for them.  Which is amazingly awesome!

5.  Bring her food - We do this so well when people are sick or after they have a baby or when someone dies.  But most don't think to do this for IVF.  For retrieval, the woman is knocked out under general anesthesia and is mighty sore.  We don't hesitate to bring food for knee surgery but this doesn't cross our minds.  After transfer, she'll be on bed rest for 24-48 hours and let me assure you, she won't leave that bed unless she absolutely has to.  Cooking is out.  

The husband is likely just as washed out as the wife.  He's just had to witness and/or administer four weeks worth of shots, watched his wife go through a medical procedure and had to hold her through crying spells she couldn't control even though she totally wants to.  He's not exactly up to whipping up a meal either.  

Aubrey Kate loved helping with this.  And I got to provide her with another lesson on loving people and sharing what God gives us.  Sharing is a hard lesson since yesterday she proudly announced she wanted everything in the whole world all to herself.  Apparently, sharing one of her six kitchen utensils with her brother pushed her over the edge.  I reminded her about taking food to our friends and how we share the gifts God gives us to help and love on other people.  When Chris came home, she told him all about sharing and how we needed to give or no one would have anything.

Mom score.

6.  Buy her some Infertility Socks - This one sounds silly.  The only thing women can wear into the room for transfer is socks.  Right?  I loaded up the kiddos for a Target trip and told AK we were picking out some socks for our friend.  Girly had way too much fun picking them out.  They were purple with green hearts on them.  Not the route I would have gone but they were fun.  She loved helping pick out a gift for someone.  

They are a physical reminder someone is praying for you and with you.  I loved having them.  Was kinda a cool thing to have fancy socks.  

Look, there's nothing fun about this.  And you are sitting in a cold, sterile hospital environment wondering how in the world you got to this point.  All while you have a painfully full bladder.  

No seriously.  That's a requirement.  

Socks, yes even purple with green hearts, are just fun.  Taking the opportunity to show your kiddo another way to love someone is not bad either.

7.  Pray - We pray with Aubrey Kate a lot.  She always wants to pray for someone.  Or something (Aubrey Kate, I don't believe your kitchen needs our prayers.).  She loves it.  

We pray for our Creator to give them a child and peace along the journey to their child.  Of course, she always wants to know if they'll get toys when they have kiddos.  Because clearly that's the priority.  

But what an amazing example we can show our kids of God's love!  To pray for others is an honor.  I count it as one of my greatest joys.  And holding Aubrey Kate and Rhys in my lap while we ask our Savior to open a womb and give our sweet friend a baby?  I'm telling you, I can feel the Holy Spirit just wrap His arms around our little threesome.  There is power in a child's prayer.  Power.  She believes what we ask for will come.  Simple.  No baggage.  Just pure belief.

There you have it!  My unofficial, unapproved and unexpected list for helping a friend through IVF.  All done in love and I believe provided to me.  Cause this was no where on my radar two days ago.  

In case you're wondering (and even if you're not), our friends transferred two hatching blastocysts yesterday.  That is pretty much as good as it gets.  Now we just wait.  Pray lots.  And yes, we took them dinner last night.

What say you, fellow infertiles?  Got anything you'd add to the list?