The night before...

A year ago today, I looked like this...

The night before my scheduled C-section thanks to a very stubborn little girl who had refused, despite swimming, ice and various other home remedies, to turn out of her breach position.

Now I have no way of knowing this for sure, but I suspect there's something a little different about having a birth scheduled. There's no excited build-up while you wait to see when labor will start. There's no walking around the block or eating spicy food to get the ball rolling. Instead, there's a countdown and a lot of taking it easy so as not to have an emergency c-section.

So the night before, I was a mess.

Totally.

I could not stop crying. Lots of reasons, obviously, but mostly I was scared out of my ever-lovin' mind.

As a realist, I knew, as best is possible to "know" ahead of time, that the birth of a child would change our lives in both good and bad ways. I knew Chris and I would not have lazy weekends around the house. I knew we wouldn't have family nearby when both of us were sick and the baby still wanted to play. I knew I was likely to experience a love I had only dreamed about. I knew I was about to have to get a needle stuck in my spine and just the thought of that made me weak.

A year later, I can tell you...

I was completely right to be scared.

The baby did change everything.

Before her, I thought our marriage had been tested during infertility. And it was. But nothing like this.

We are two very different people and honestly, I had no idea just how different until the baby. Things were said at 3:00 am on very little sleep and even less empathy that stung. And that sting lasted a long time.

We found out I am much more emotionally driven. I tend to trust my instincts a great deal. As an observer, I notice little things and then act on those. Unlike the instructions I read in Babywise, I took my cues from her. Not in all areas but in a lot of them. I think I was more willing to watch and see and had a much more laid back approach to this new journey.

Chris turned out to be much more structured than I could have imagined. He would have followed Babywise to the letter and did not seem to understand why I was not as eager as he was. But at the same time he was able to easily adapt to a sudden change. If he thought it was time to start cereal, he was ready to do it right then and there. I wanted more time to watch and see.

The flip side of all that is this new amazing love. Both for her and for each other. Nothing pleases me more than watching my husband and daughter playing together. When they are fully engulfed in one another and delighting in the joy of fun, I am so full of love for them that I feel my heart might burst out of my chest. Giggling with Pumpkin is one of life's greatest joys. There is literally no sound more amazing in this world than hearing her. And I have never been more proud of Chris for his devotion.

The good news is that one year later, Chris and I know each in a brand new way.

The person I was before my kiddo may never return. She's a watcher too so I can see a life where the two of us spend a great deal of time trying to learn how to observe life without staring and pointing directly at it. I keep telling her it's rude to stare but so far, she's ignoring me. But I also hope she will learn how to trust her own instincts and how to sometimes just let go of the things out of her control. It's possible I might always be more laid back and willing to sit and watch before acting.

And I now understand Chris' need for structure. That need runs much deeper than just keeping the baby on a good schedule (although that is paramount to him). He needs weekly menus. Needs to know the house is clean and organized. Needs to be asked if he can grill out at least a day before I would like to have grilled chicken. But he also needs to be able to suggest changes spur of the moment when he sees something. He thinks much faster than I do and when he thinks it, he says it. And he needs me to be empathic of that when he has an idea to make a change to her Sunday morning schedule as I'm brushing my teeth on our way out the door.

I guess the moral of the story is that a year ago when I was ugly crying, I had every right to do so. But what I didn't understand is out of all those changes, a marriage and love would develop I could not have expected. Our love is not the same. We're not the same. But the differences are okay and even make us better for each other and better parents for her. She needs both of us and all sides of us to provide her with a life full of love and a confidence to mature into her own person secure in that love.

Not a clue what the next year will be like. Haven't really given it a whole lot of thought. Chris is giving it enough thought for both of us. I'm just content to watch the two loves of my life playing and giggling together. I think I'll just watch and see what comes next.