Driving home yesterday, “Shine” by the Newsboys came on the radio. Ya’ll remember that one? Gosh, high school for me. Gave me a hunkering for youth group and those totally awesome hand motions to “My Father’s House”. Got ahead. Try singing that without the motions. Can’t do it, can you? Anyway, Shine made me bounce around in my seat just like I was 16 again. Loved it.
Do ya’ll miss my gratitude lists? Fanny’s reminding me how much I love the lists. But I have another random story to tell instead of a list. I know, right. Eyes rolling everywhere. Maybe next week. Here we go.
Last Saturday was a yucky, rainy, chilly spring day. Chris had his last pre-UIL concert and FJ and I planned on attending. I woke up that morning around 7:30 am or so but I just laid around in bed debating whether or not to work out. About 15 minutes later, I decided not and turned the TV on. After another 15-20 minutes, my tummy told me to eat so I went, fixed breakfast and climbed back in bed. Thirty minutes after that, I got up and started straightening all five things out of place in the house. I made the bed, fixed the throw on the couch, put the pillows back in place, lined the magazines on the coffee table just right, threw Chris’ empty soda can in the recycling bin and then went to get ready to leave.
As I’m washing my hair, I suddenly thought…
I’m so bored.
I realized I had just spent my entire morning doing absolutely nothing of consequence. I even thought about how nice it would be just to have a dog anxiously waiting for me to let her out to run around in the back yard.
(Side note: Bo Duke has a black pug puppy and I swear, it’s the cutest thing ever. He’s been trying to get us to take it and I’m resisting. Literally, to quote a song “I just sit around my house and resist.” But I WILL stay strong..)
I thought we need something, anything to make life, well, more.
For the most part, I’ve been very grateful for our life even without kids. Especially, the quiet, settled part of it. When our friends would tell horror stories of crying fits at soccer games or my brother tells me about Noah’s stomach bug (which totally breaks my heart), I would usually think, oh, that’s one thing to be grateful for in our infertile journey. Or when people would come to the house and talk about how clean everything was or they’d tell me why they can’t work out because of their kids’ schedules, I would also think, thank you Lord for our life.
The flip side is that I’ve often worried (okay, obsessed) whether I wanted a child bad enough. I mean, I wanted a family but I completely understood, as best as possible beforehand, that a child would alter our life completely. It would no longer be clean or quiet. Lazy Saturday mornings would cease. And the magazines on the coffee table would never again be straight.
Add in the fact that other people getting pregnant never really bothered me and my ability to walk through the nursery section at Target without getting emotional, and I was really worried. Would God give me a child if I was like that? Was it not truly one of my heart’s desires?
So honestly, as I’m standing there realizing how much I want the noise and chaos of a child, I realized I do want this bad enough. I’ll trade the quiet, clean, orderly life for whatever insanity a child will bring. Gladly.
And I felt nothing but relief.
After the concert, I went back to the ridiculously quiet house and cried. I thanked my Heavenly Father for putting that desire in my heart. I’m now desperate for chaos all because He managed to calm the insanity in my own mind. Had He given me that desire two years ago, I’m not sure how I would have survived. But now, as we’re getting ready for IVF 2.5 this summer and even praying God will open our hearts to adoption, this need seems manageable. It keeps me focused, willing and has given me a new sense of joy. I know that’s the Lord answering my prayers.
Lord, I’m ready when you are!
Do ya’ll miss my gratitude lists? Fanny’s reminding me how much I love the lists. But I have another random story to tell instead of a list. I know, right. Eyes rolling everywhere. Maybe next week. Here we go.
Last Saturday was a yucky, rainy, chilly spring day. Chris had his last pre-UIL concert and FJ and I planned on attending. I woke up that morning around 7:30 am or so but I just laid around in bed debating whether or not to work out. About 15 minutes later, I decided not and turned the TV on. After another 15-20 minutes, my tummy told me to eat so I went, fixed breakfast and climbed back in bed. Thirty minutes after that, I got up and started straightening all five things out of place in the house. I made the bed, fixed the throw on the couch, put the pillows back in place, lined the magazines on the coffee table just right, threw Chris’ empty soda can in the recycling bin and then went to get ready to leave.
As I’m washing my hair, I suddenly thought…
I’m so bored.
I realized I had just spent my entire morning doing absolutely nothing of consequence. I even thought about how nice it would be just to have a dog anxiously waiting for me to let her out to run around in the back yard.
(Side note: Bo Duke has a black pug puppy and I swear, it’s the cutest thing ever. He’s been trying to get us to take it and I’m resisting. Literally, to quote a song “I just sit around my house and resist.” But I WILL stay strong..)
I thought we need something, anything to make life, well, more.
For the most part, I’ve been very grateful for our life even without kids. Especially, the quiet, settled part of it. When our friends would tell horror stories of crying fits at soccer games or my brother tells me about Noah’s stomach bug (which totally breaks my heart), I would usually think, oh, that’s one thing to be grateful for in our infertile journey. Or when people would come to the house and talk about how clean everything was or they’d tell me why they can’t work out because of their kids’ schedules, I would also think, thank you Lord for our life.
The flip side is that I’ve often worried (okay, obsessed) whether I wanted a child bad enough. I mean, I wanted a family but I completely understood, as best as possible beforehand, that a child would alter our life completely. It would no longer be clean or quiet. Lazy Saturday mornings would cease. And the magazines on the coffee table would never again be straight.
Add in the fact that other people getting pregnant never really bothered me and my ability to walk through the nursery section at Target without getting emotional, and I was really worried. Would God give me a child if I was like that? Was it not truly one of my heart’s desires?
So honestly, as I’m standing there realizing how much I want the noise and chaos of a child, I realized I do want this bad enough. I’ll trade the quiet, clean, orderly life for whatever insanity a child will bring. Gladly.
And I felt nothing but relief.
After the concert, I went back to the ridiculously quiet house and cried. I thanked my Heavenly Father for putting that desire in my heart. I’m now desperate for chaos all because He managed to calm the insanity in my own mind. Had He given me that desire two years ago, I’m not sure how I would have survived. But now, as we’re getting ready for IVF 2.5 this summer and even praying God will open our hearts to adoption, this need seems manageable. It keeps me focused, willing and has given me a new sense of joy. I know that’s the Lord answering my prayers.
Lord, I’m ready when you are!
This post is beautiful! I've often had similar feelings...like do I really want a baby for the right reasons, or do I just want one so badly because I can't seem to have one, like I'm reaching for the unreachable? Also an anal person myself, I like everything in order and realize that a child will change that. But I think you and I are just overanalizers! It's funny too, because It was just yesterday that I ended a prayer with "God, I'm ready when you are!!"
ReplyDeleteYour walk down musical memory lane really took me back to summer youth camp! **memories**
ReplyDeleteI've had all those feelings, too. Afternoon naps, weekly date night, organization, sleeping in, etc...I enjoy all of the above and know that a child will change my rountine, but I'm right there with you girls - I'm ready when God is ready!