Broken…
I would love to say I continued to handle our situation well this weekend.
But that would be a total lie.
I was in no way prepared for the gigantic hole in my heart that would open up Saturday morning. The pain is enormous. No real way to sugar coat it. And I don’t want to.
I did my best to shut it out by watching a long stream of bad movies. Yesterday, I couldn’t take the awfulness of television any longer so I started to re-read New Moon. I think I read Charlie’s description of Bella’s zombie like state twenty times. I was envious of her ability to do that. Just check out.
Every time Chris looked at me or attempted to show his love, I lost it. And once the tears started, they were nearly impossible to turn off.
I feel like such a failure. I meant every word of my post Friday…and I still do…but the reality that I would give up everything in this world for a child and yet, it might never happen hurts too much.
This is such an odd place to be in. We were not pregnant but we transferred two living, growing embryos two weeks ago. Babies. Our children. Made of our DNA. I know they are with our Lord and I know we will meet them one day. In no way do I even pretend to fully understand how, but I know we will recognize each other. So we are mourning the loss of our little ones and yet, we were never pregnant.
Please continue to pray for us. I know the Lord cries with us and I know there’s a better plan. But my heart longs for those two precious babies my body was not able to carry.
I would love to say I continued to handle our situation well this weekend.
But that would be a total lie.
I was in no way prepared for the gigantic hole in my heart that would open up Saturday morning. The pain is enormous. No real way to sugar coat it. And I don’t want to.
I did my best to shut it out by watching a long stream of bad movies. Yesterday, I couldn’t take the awfulness of television any longer so I started to re-read New Moon. I think I read Charlie’s description of Bella’s zombie like state twenty times. I was envious of her ability to do that. Just check out.
Every time Chris looked at me or attempted to show his love, I lost it. And once the tears started, they were nearly impossible to turn off.
I feel like such a failure. I meant every word of my post Friday…and I still do…but the reality that I would give up everything in this world for a child and yet, it might never happen hurts too much.
This is such an odd place to be in. We were not pregnant but we transferred two living, growing embryos two weeks ago. Babies. Our children. Made of our DNA. I know they are with our Lord and I know we will meet them one day. In no way do I even pretend to fully understand how, but I know we will recognize each other. So we are mourning the loss of our little ones and yet, we were never pregnant.
Please continue to pray for us. I know the Lord cries with us and I know there’s a better plan. But my heart longs for those two precious babies my body was not able to carry.
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