Gratitude Friday…
I know this is late but, well, it’s been a long, rough day and Chris and I needed to really think this through. This is a long one. My apologies in advance.
We are not pregnant.
I know, not new information, right, but this time we’re not pregnant after our first non-cancelled IVF attempt.
For the last two months, we’ve been taking pills, giving and receiving shots and spending large amounts of quality time with my feet in stirrups. In January, we were cleared to begin the process when we discovered all 6-10 of the cysts had left their residence in my ovaries and disappeared. We then decided not to share the journey with our friends and family. Well, largely, that was my decision. This process is already sterile and there’s a great deal of intimacy lost. Having so many people know, felt like there was even less intimacy. Or really, like all those people were in our bedroom with us. And that was just too weird for me.
God instructs us to praise Him in every situation. Count it all joy. So that is what we are trying to do. Yes, there are moments when I feel the word why slip into my thoughts but I am diligently trying to put that out of my brain and say another prayer of apology and praise instead. We did nothing wrong. The cycle was good, our little embryos were good, we were hopeful and excited. And yet it still failed. To us, that says this is not God’s timing and we need to trust He knows what’s best for us.
I kept a separate journal of the events and my feelings during these past two months. I’ve decided to post of some of those in the coming weeks. Even though, at the time, keeping all of this to ourselves felt like the right thing, the still, small voice inside me kept saying how will they know there’s been a miracle if you keep it a secret? I thought the miracle would be a pregnancy but really, it turned out that the true miracle is that we are able to see all the little miracles throughout the process. And be grateful for those.
1. My pooch – Even though I am thin, I have a genetic “flaw” and that is my pooch. I’ve done a million crunches and taken hours of ab classes but the pooch has never left me. I pretty much had decided it was my internal organs and so not being willing to live uterus free or make do without my large intestine then I was stuck with it. However, I realized as I was pinching the pooch for the shots what a blessing it was. Almost like I was made for this process. I can’t imagine having a beautifully flat stomach and rock hard abs when you’re giving yourself shots twice a day. I have a new appreciation for it and how “beautifully and wonderfully” God created me.
2. Syringes – During one Saturday when Chris was working, I needed to be at home pretty much doing nothing. I was scrapbooking and watching movies. I rented “Nights in Rodanthe”. If you haven’t watched it, be warned. It’s sad. I was not prepared for that. Anyway, during the movie a young doctor is talking about syringes being priceless in the impoverished regions in which he works. I immediately cried. Oh my goodness. We have enough syringes to start our own clinic and should we run out, we can go to any of the 23 pharmacies around us to get more. We take such small things for granted. How blessed we are. And how strange it was to hear the words, “Thank you Lord for syringes” come out of this girl’s mouth!
3. These things hurt – The progesterone shots are…not tiny. They are intramuscular. I have no idea how large the needle is because I refused to look at it. The progesterone is an oil that Chris would heat up to make it easier to inject. This was a 2 hour nightly ritual between the numbing cream, the injection, the massage (admittedly, not such a bad step) and then the heating pad. We were switching from right to left each day so as not to make one side too sore. That was until we hit something on my left that seriously hurt. I mean, it immediately made me cry and we pulled it out before we even got started. I stopped crying though when I saw Chris’ face. It’s hard to remember when you’re the one getting stuck that this is just as painful for him. Kinda like your mom used to say when she’d spank you. I immediately knew we were on the same team more so than I ever realized. I stopped saying ouch as much as possible from that moment on. And we stuck to the right side for the shots.
5. The Women – Infertility sucks. Really, there’s no other way to say it. It changes you and in an interesting way, the journey you’re on, changes the relationships with the people around you. I understand how uncomfortable infertility makes others. They hurt for us. But then, for some, it brings us closer. Stephanie has been a rock. Even though she is in the middle of the pregnancy she prayed and hoped for, she was always there to listen to my insanity. She’s been there. She understood my fear, my anxiety, my stress and the disappointment. She is a blessing from God. Mrs. JT didn’t know we were doing this but yet she always asked for updates and let me talk through my emotions just like she has been doing for most of my life. Without even knowing it, she was offering me encouragement and giving me strength. Fanny, who also didn’t know this time around, just came right out with it and asked, what do you want me to do, what do you need me to say? No one else had the courage to say that. Most people just ignored it and thus me. She doesn’t understand this process and I never felt an intense need to tell her every detail. But what she did and does is treat me the same. I don’t feel broken around her or feel like less of a woman because I am not a mother. We talk and over-analyze like we’ve been doing for years.
6. Saturdays – On Valentine’s Day, I had a doctor’s appointment. At a certain point in this process, you start seeing nurses and doctor’s more than anyone else. Our doctor, Dr. Kaufman and our IVF coordinator, Michelle, are so wonderful. On that Friday night beforehand, I started thinking about how much time they give up with their families to help people like Chris and I create our own. And even on Valentine’s Day? I was utterly humbled by their commitment. I baked them cupcakes. Love through food. Chris thought this was kind of funny and maybe I was but it was honest and heartfelt. I am so grateful for their kindness, their support and their willingness to help others.
7. Togetherness – Chris and I have been praying together through every step of this process. There’s just something about coming to the Lord’s throne as a couple, holding hands and asking for a miracle. We’ve cried together. We’ve laughed together. We’ve even gotten frustrated with each other. I imagine there are couples who couldn’t make it through all we’ve done in the past couple of years. But thanks to early challenges and struggles in our marriage, we have the tools in place to deal with it. I truly believe we are more of a couple now than we have ever been before. The Lord just continues to bless us and our marriage.
Congratulations if you made it through all of that! I know it was long. I guess you could say I have a lot on my heart these days.
We humbly ask that you continue to pray for us. We know the Lord has a plan for our life and for our future family. We just don’t know what it is. It would be way cool if He would just go ahead and tell us in great detail what those are but that would take away our reason for faith and trust. I pray that each of you see the little miracles around you every day and in every challenge.
I know this is late but, well, it’s been a long, rough day and Chris and I needed to really think this through. This is a long one. My apologies in advance.
We are not pregnant.
I know, not new information, right, but this time we’re not pregnant after our first non-cancelled IVF attempt.
For the last two months, we’ve been taking pills, giving and receiving shots and spending large amounts of quality time with my feet in stirrups. In January, we were cleared to begin the process when we discovered all 6-10 of the cysts had left their residence in my ovaries and disappeared. We then decided not to share the journey with our friends and family. Well, largely, that was my decision. This process is already sterile and there’s a great deal of intimacy lost. Having so many people know, felt like there was even less intimacy. Or really, like all those people were in our bedroom with us. And that was just too weird for me.
God instructs us to praise Him in every situation. Count it all joy. So that is what we are trying to do. Yes, there are moments when I feel the word why slip into my thoughts but I am diligently trying to put that out of my brain and say another prayer of apology and praise instead. We did nothing wrong. The cycle was good, our little embryos were good, we were hopeful and excited. And yet it still failed. To us, that says this is not God’s timing and we need to trust He knows what’s best for us.
I kept a separate journal of the events and my feelings during these past two months. I’ve decided to post of some of those in the coming weeks. Even though, at the time, keeping all of this to ourselves felt like the right thing, the still, small voice inside me kept saying how will they know there’s been a miracle if you keep it a secret? I thought the miracle would be a pregnancy but really, it turned out that the true miracle is that we are able to see all the little miracles throughout the process. And be grateful for those.
1. My pooch – Even though I am thin, I have a genetic “flaw” and that is my pooch. I’ve done a million crunches and taken hours of ab classes but the pooch has never left me. I pretty much had decided it was my internal organs and so not being willing to live uterus free or make do without my large intestine then I was stuck with it. However, I realized as I was pinching the pooch for the shots what a blessing it was. Almost like I was made for this process. I can’t imagine having a beautifully flat stomach and rock hard abs when you’re giving yourself shots twice a day. I have a new appreciation for it and how “beautifully and wonderfully” God created me.
2. Syringes – During one Saturday when Chris was working, I needed to be at home pretty much doing nothing. I was scrapbooking and watching movies. I rented “Nights in Rodanthe”. If you haven’t watched it, be warned. It’s sad. I was not prepared for that. Anyway, during the movie a young doctor is talking about syringes being priceless in the impoverished regions in which he works. I immediately cried. Oh my goodness. We have enough syringes to start our own clinic and should we run out, we can go to any of the 23 pharmacies around us to get more. We take such small things for granted. How blessed we are. And how strange it was to hear the words, “Thank you Lord for syringes” come out of this girl’s mouth!
3. These things hurt – The progesterone shots are…not tiny. They are intramuscular. I have no idea how large the needle is because I refused to look at it. The progesterone is an oil that Chris would heat up to make it easier to inject. This was a 2 hour nightly ritual between the numbing cream, the injection, the massage (admittedly, not such a bad step) and then the heating pad. We were switching from right to left each day so as not to make one side too sore. That was until we hit something on my left that seriously hurt. I mean, it immediately made me cry and we pulled it out before we even got started. I stopped crying though when I saw Chris’ face. It’s hard to remember when you’re the one getting stuck that this is just as painful for him. Kinda like your mom used to say when she’d spank you. I immediately knew we were on the same team more so than I ever realized. I stopped saying ouch as much as possible from that moment on. And we stuck to the right side for the shots.
5. The Women – Infertility sucks. Really, there’s no other way to say it. It changes you and in an interesting way, the journey you’re on, changes the relationships with the people around you. I understand how uncomfortable infertility makes others. They hurt for us. But then, for some, it brings us closer. Stephanie has been a rock. Even though she is in the middle of the pregnancy she prayed and hoped for, she was always there to listen to my insanity. She’s been there. She understood my fear, my anxiety, my stress and the disappointment. She is a blessing from God. Mrs. JT didn’t know we were doing this but yet she always asked for updates and let me talk through my emotions just like she has been doing for most of my life. Without even knowing it, she was offering me encouragement and giving me strength. Fanny, who also didn’t know this time around, just came right out with it and asked, what do you want me to do, what do you need me to say? No one else had the courage to say that. Most people just ignored it and thus me. She doesn’t understand this process and I never felt an intense need to tell her every detail. But what she did and does is treat me the same. I don’t feel broken around her or feel like less of a woman because I am not a mother. We talk and over-analyze like we’ve been doing for years.
6. Saturdays – On Valentine’s Day, I had a doctor’s appointment. At a certain point in this process, you start seeing nurses and doctor’s more than anyone else. Our doctor, Dr. Kaufman and our IVF coordinator, Michelle, are so wonderful. On that Friday night beforehand, I started thinking about how much time they give up with their families to help people like Chris and I create our own. And even on Valentine’s Day? I was utterly humbled by their commitment. I baked them cupcakes. Love through food. Chris thought this was kind of funny and maybe I was but it was honest and heartfelt. I am so grateful for their kindness, their support and their willingness to help others.
7. Togetherness – Chris and I have been praying together through every step of this process. There’s just something about coming to the Lord’s throne as a couple, holding hands and asking for a miracle. We’ve cried together. We’ve laughed together. We’ve even gotten frustrated with each other. I imagine there are couples who couldn’t make it through all we’ve done in the past couple of years. But thanks to early challenges and struggles in our marriage, we have the tools in place to deal with it. I truly believe we are more of a couple now than we have ever been before. The Lord just continues to bless us and our marriage.
Congratulations if you made it through all of that! I know it was long. I guess you could say I have a lot on my heart these days.
We humbly ask that you continue to pray for us. We know the Lord has a plan for our life and for our future family. We just don’t know what it is. It would be way cool if He would just go ahead and tell us in great detail what those are but that would take away our reason for faith and trust. I pray that each of you see the little miracles around you every day and in every challenge.
I'm so sorry you've gone through IVF and it was negative. Believe me, I could empathize with everything you just said--since I am at the end of our IVF cycle. We actually find out tomorrow if it worked or not. So, while I'm not in your shoes exactly, I may be tomorrow. Your trust in God is inspiring and encouraging. I've been wondering all week what my reaction will be if it's negative, and I hope and pray it's a continued trust in God and his timing and plan.
ReplyDeleteYou have such a great attitude and can see the bigger picture in life. That doesn't make this any easier, but God will continue to give you and your husband strength as you continue down this path towards parenthood. I am so impressed by your spirit -- Thank you for encouraging the rest of us, and I'll be praying that the Lord blesses your family with a baby very soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks for leaving a comment on my blog, I really appreciate your prayers and sweet words! I must admit I just started reading your blog today and I'm working my way backwards, but so far I can completely relate to you and I love your strong Faith in Jesus and what he can do for us, in the good AND the bad. Oh, and of course I can also relate-unfortunetly-to the "pooch". =) You will be in my prayers!
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