I know. May is almost over. Hard to believe really.
Shouldn't it be at least August by now?
Life has been full. Full enough for time to have gone much faster.
And yet, it's still May.
Which, I guess it's good since, following last night, I feel the need to participate in a group thing.
I'm not really much of a joiner. I've never participated in the Infertility Awareness Week in April. Considered it but never slipped of my flip flops to jump in the water. Or maybe a better way to say it is, I dove into that water a long time ago and swam all the way to the other side. My job now is to stand on the other side and cheer people on as they swim.
Never joined an adult recreational league (which I mention because we just discussed this as every street corner is covered in promotional posters for such things). Never was any good at kickball. I could kick it far but then some overly athletic person on the other team would catch it and my kick would have been good for nothing more than an OUT.
Never bought a pair of capri anything. I spend my life looking for things long enough. Capri pants would just look like awkward Bermuda shorts on me. And I think we can all agree, no one needs to see that.
However, today, after spending the last day dealing with a rather intense glutenation, I am putting myself out there.
May is Celiac Disease Awareness Month.
Of course, I know most of you have already celebrated. Bought that special Celiac someone in your life a package of gluten-free cornbread mix at the basement price of seventy million dollars. Because it's on sale 20% off this month.
Or maybe you took them out to a restaurant specializing in gluten-free dishes. Understanding, of course, that little joint will be in a hip, yuppie, expensive downtown neighborhood just down the street from the Trader Joe's. And you'll spend a month's worth of college tuition on the meal.
Maybe you went all out and decided to actually prepare a meal or a dessert just for them. Homemade just feels warm and fuzzy. Which means you made the financial commitment to purchase not only a new foil pan for the brownies but also new mixing bowls (if yours are plastic), spatula and made sure the vanilla for the cookies was REAL because you've done your research and know the imitation stuff is NOT gluten-free.
But if you haven't done any of that, GOOD NEWS, you still have three days!
Since my diagnosis almost five years ago, the glutenations have consistently decreased. I've learned a good deal. Know when to take a chance on something and when not to. And occasionally, I live life on the edge and eat the cheesecake at the band banquet because it just felt WRONG to let it sit there. I know how to eat around a graham cracker crust like they were passing out trophies for such things.
My kitchen is gluten-free but my pantry is not. I have those areas divided appropriately. We own almost zero plastic and what we do have is because someone left it with us for one reason or another. Everything is glass or metal and things that aren't, like plastic spatulas and such have been purchased new since my diagnosis.
But occasionally, I can read the ingredients on something, know and trust the store and still end up sick.
Thus, yesterday.
I ate a prepackaged salad mix. It was a sweet kale slaw mix. And just saying that means my parents are collapsing with disbelief. I have eaten slaw approximately four times in my life. It's just not my thing. But I had this particular one at a friend's house on Memorial Day and SWEET MERCY, it's changed my life.
Well, it wasn't the EXACT same one. It was one I found at a different store. The one I ate at my friend's house had a lovely little "GLUTEN FREE" label right across the top of the package. The one I bought had no such label but the ingredients were safe.
And yet.
The risk with anything pre-cut, even if it's naturally gluten-free like kale, is the uncertainty of the slicing process. If they are cut or processed in ANY WAY in a facility where gluten is also processed, the risk of cross-contamination is significant.
Based on the amount of pain I was in yesterday (and still lingering today), I would say the cross-contamination was in grand proportion.
Glutenation pains come in waves. Almost like labor. Only in 10-15 minute increments. There is moaning and finding the least painful position and lots of pleading for it to JUST STOP ALREADY. Those waves last for 10-12 hours. Easily.
So on my pain scale of 1 to Ruptured Uterus, it's a solid 8 most of the time. The pain is completely incapacitating. Apart from the moaning and attempting to not move AT ALL, I can't do much else. Standing up is difficult and standing up straight doesn't happen.
After the pain starts to subside into more of a general stomach ache, what goes in, must come out. And we'll just leave that there since we all know what I mean. That lasts several hours too.
The next day, today, the pain is more of a dull ache. That will continue most of the day and will eventually combine with hunger pains making day two just super fun. Not as tormenting as day one but nonetheless, GOOD TIMES.
Tomorrow, day three, I will wake up feeling like I've been on the losing end of boxing match. Where my stomach was the target instead of my face. A generalized soreness.
So my decision to eat a prepackaged, pre-cut salad mix will have resulted in three days of joy. And serve as a warning and reminder for me for the next year to NOT EAT IT.
However, that's not really the most important part of my whole joining the crowd and participating in Celiac Awareness Month thing. Although, I know you will forever be grateful for my description of a glutenation. The point is to help you, precious gluten-eating reader, to understand this is a REAL thing.
Undoubtedly, you have heard a gluten-free diet referred to as "the wussification of America." You've heard stories of diet obsessed folks jumping on some sort of gluten-free bandwagon. Read the miraculous stories of a gluten-free lifestyle curing things from Autism to ADD to skin rashes.
And I'm here to tell you...those are all true.
Well, okay. Not the wussification of America part. I blame that on something entirely different.
(I'm looking at you, Men's Skinny Jeans.)
A gluten-free diet is certainly trendy. If Weight Watchers didn't work, why not spend that money from their membership to purchase crazy expensive gluten-free items? It's healthier, right? It cured so-and-so's daughter's sister's friend of her eczema so why not try it for your acne too? And wasn't there some book on gluten-free curing someone of ADHD?
Believe me, a gluten-free diet can do OH SO MUCH. I genuinely believe our diets, and the junk we put in our bodies, has much to do with our health. From obesity to infertility to ADD, how we fuel our bodies does impact our health. Whether we want to admit it or not.
Now, please don't hear me preaching to you about diets or organic food or yellow #5. Because I love myself some Peanut M&M's as much as the next person. And since they're gluten-free, I indulge.
What I am telling you is sometimes a trend is a trend for a good reason.
But like all things, we can take what's good and spoil it.
Because the truth is, all those stories come down to not necessarily a gluten-free diet (although that's true) but it's more about a whole food diet. Specifically, an organic whole food diet for things like autism and infertility. But to lose weight? You can not substitute gluten-free cookies for regular cookies and expect to lose weight. No, you have to actually NOT EAT THE COOKIES.
I know. It's disappointing.
Now, if gluten-free helps your joint inflammation, by all means, have the cookie. (Although, you'd probably feel better if you were to eliminate sugar too but let's not split hairs. You know what I mean.)
Understand, you standing in the grocery aisle or in your own pantry choosing to get the gluten-free cookie over the regular one impacts no one but yourself. I fully support your decision to do so.
Where it becomes a problem, for those of us with Celiac Disease, gluten-allergies or gluten-sensitivity, is when you tell that well-meaning waiter at your local restaurant you would like your meal gluten-free. Because most places these days have a surface understanding of preparing a meal gluten-free and that helps make them extremely dangerous and horribly ineffective.
That waiter tells the cooks on the line the meal is gluten-free and they prepare it like they know how to based on whatever training they received. Or they open up the package labeled gluten-free and proceed to cook it. They may or may not change gloves. They may or may not wash the pan or scrub the grill. So the same grill they just cooked their Teriyaki Chicken on is now the same spot your plain, gluten-free chicken gets thrown. They might take the croutons off their pre-prepped salads but not make one from scratch. Maybe cook the gluten-free pasta but strain it in the same strainer normally used for the gluten-filled pasta.
All of this probably doesn't really matter to the person on a gluten-free diet. I mean, it's likely, if the person has TRULY been living a gluten-free lifestyle for several weeks, they might get a mean case of diarrhea. Or not. Because they have a gut made of steel. But that's not the same thing as being in such pain you can't physically wash your kids' hair because the bath tub is in the other room and well, walking isn't happening.
The problem comes when I show up at the same restaurant. The process they used to prepare your food worked fine for you. That same process leaves me sick for three days. And my kids get to spend hours watching "Strawberry Shortcake." (Not that it bothers them in the slightest.)
Or the package of pre-cut salad is totally fine for everyone. Until it gets to me and there's no warning of it being processed in the same facility as wheat products. Because for someone on a DIET, it's fine. But for the person with an auto-immune disease, that cross-contamination is POISON to my body.
So my participation in this whole Celiac Awareness thing is to say, please, please, understand, gluten-free is not a trendy diet for us. It's the only medicine we have and thankfully, the only medicine we need. There's no pill to cure it. No syrup to help stop the waves of pain during a glutenation. This is REAL for us.
Food companies, label your products if there is even the slightest chance of cross-contamination. Restaurants, take time to really train your staff on the proper preparation of gluten-free meals. Otherwise, like me, we just won't come to your place. (BTW, PF Chang's, ALL THE LOVE FOR YOU) Dieters, order the plain grilled chicken. Don't stress the servers and cooks with a very detailed and long process when it's not necessary. Take the croutons off yourself. Thank you.
Those fighting things like autism, ADD, inflammation, migraines, infertility and a whole host of other health challenges, I say, I STAND WITH YOU! You need a true gluten-free diet just as those of us with Celiac Disease. I hear you. I see you. And I know a whole foods diet might be the best medicine but it is a sacrifice.
Because sometimes I'd rather throw a cheap frozen pizza in the oven instead of spending a month's mortgage on a gluten-free organic one I bought in a moment of weakness (and hunger) at Whole Foods.
And I know you probably would too.
If you haven't given your favorite Celiac a gift in honor of this very important month, it's simply never too late. I'm fashionably late to this month and, therefore, I give you permission to be so too. I recommend a grocery store gift card. It's a safe choice. And who doesn't need groceries?
Just as long as they're not prepackaged, pre-cut sweet kale slaw, they'll be totally fine.
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