Gratitude: Validation...

A couple of weeks ago, the nightly news covered celebrity key note speeches for college graduations as they do every year at this time.  There were several, most of which I have, thankfully, totally forgotten.  I need all the memory storage I can get and the less "junk" cluttering up the joint, the better.  

However, there was one that stuck with me.  

Oprah.

Sigh.

As Oprah stood in front of hundreds of young adults idealistically looking forward to a life of dream pursuing and fulfillment, she offered them her world view and advice.  In a complete paraphrase, she said after thousands of interviews, most of whom are world "influencers" if not true world changers, the one thing she knows human beings crave is validation.  Continuing the absolute paraphrase, she noted regardless of their celebrity, wealth or power, each person, almost without fail would ask her, "Was that okay?" once the cameras turned off.  

Was that okay?

Did I do okay?

Am I okay?

Around the same time, my brother, a definite world "influencer" for me, posted a column on Facebook.  Heartwarming piece about the author and his relationship with his three siblings.  Good stuff.  All kinds of Norman Rockwell.  Central idea being we may live far apart but we make coming together as a family a priority and why shouldn't we since these three people know me better and more truthfully than anyone else in my life.  

My brother's comment on the post was, "Good column. The comments are also telling. Not everything thing written about one human experience has to acknowledge or apologize to other human experiences."

As you can imagine, the comments were a flood of contradicting viewpoints.  Some agreeing with the columnist and sharing of the wonderment their own relationship with their siblings.  Some disagreeing making known how vastly different their sibling relationships are from the columnist's.  

But enough about you, can we talk about me now?

How do you feel about me?

Compared to your experience, does that make me and my experience okay?  

Compared to my experience, does that make your experience okay?

These two events, for lack of a better word, came together in my exhausted mom brain.  

I spend my days caring for and seeking to fill up two amazing miracles.  Some days simply making sure they are fed (and please notice the deliberate absence of the word "well") and wearing clean clothes is an overwhelming undertaking.  Other days are fun and lighthearted where I can joyfully fill them up with hugs, kisses, laughter and God's grace.  

The one thing my kids fairly consistently neglect to offer me is encouragement on my job as their mother.  Not a whole lot of, "Great meal today, Mom!"  Or, "Gosh, clean sheets!  You rock, Mom!"  Not even a gold star sticker on my drawing when Pumpkin pleads, "Draw a car, Momma!"

In other words, I don't get a whole lot of validation.  

So I do what we so often do in our culture, I post a really cute picture of the kids or an attempted witty comment on Facebook  and hope for the "Likes" to roll in.

Am I okay?  Do you think I'm okay?  How does your experience today relate and compare to my experience today?

Once this idea was planted, the Lord started growing it.  I began to notice how often I seek that validation.  Through emails, text messages, blog posts, comments on status updates, discussions with Chris, making handmade gifts, sending coupons to friends, cooking favorite meals...

And on and on and on.  

Of course, as God challenges me to look at my own heart, I start seeing this need for validation every where.  

We are a society seeking our individual identity and we will do just about anything to validate that identity we work so desperately to create.  Through our clothes, our social media profiles, our jobs, our kids, our marriages, our churches, our political associations, our house, our hairstyle, our retirement funds, our food choices, and the lack of or pure avoidance of any of those.  Everything works together to create our identity.  

Then we mix all that together, present it to the world and ask...

Am I okay?

The world will always answer.  And the answer is always, No.  

Always.

The world will always, without fail, tell you, No, you are not okay.  

BUT...if you do this, maybe you will be okay.  If you buy this, perhaps then you'll be okay.  If you could just get that job or that promotion.  Or maybe if you drove this car or got this purse. Lose those ten pounds.  Get some botox for those wrinkles.  Maybe a spray tan will do the trick.  Or if you could move to that fancy neighborhood with the big houses.  Or if you could tell your story somehow and get people to agree with your suffering.  

Do that, then maybe you'd be okay.

Then, once we get the message of NOT ENOUGH, we notice other people and their attempt at validation.  Through their status updates, pictures, blog posts, columns and so on.  And what do we do?  How do we respond?  What do we see in them sharing their experiences?

Another opportunity for our own validation, of course.

Just like the readers of the column, we offer our own thoughts, stories, experiences, critiques, judgements, condolences, encouragements and whisper sweet nothings of our own making.  Hoping maybe, just perhaps, if I say this just right, sound smart enough, sad enough, tortured enough, confident enough, victorious enough, happy enough, someone will validate me then.  Surly in response to one humans experience, when you see them side by side, surly then they will see me, my identity, my suffering, my victory.

Am I okay?

Good gracious, I am so guilty of that.  Chris can attest to the vast number of things said or done that I perceive to be an attack on me.  On my identity.  That darn note to the mom buried in her iPhone thing that floated around FB for days...it sent me into a foul mood like none other.  How dare someone accuse ME of missing a single milestone moment with my daughter?  Don't you know how long we waited for her?  Don't you know she's our miracle?  A gift from God?  Don't you understand how glued to her every movement I am?  

In reality, I am totally guilty of burying my nose in my phone.  I could write an entire post in an attempt to justify that, but really, it's not something I am proud of.  

Do I think it's always awful to read an email or send a text or even scroll through my newsfeed?  Nope.  I don't.  I feel pretty certain mothers have sat at the park with their nose buried in something other than their daughter twirling around for generations.  Replace "iPhone" with "Good Housekeeping"  and suddenly, taking a minute to oneself doesn't sound so bad.  We've simply demonized the smart phone.  But it is not evil.  Only our obsession with it is and thanks to that infuriating post, I've struck a better balance.

Dagnabit.  

The truth is what we all know, even if we'd rather not believe it, there can never be enough and we can never be enough for the world to sanctify, or validate, us.

True validation and sanctification can only come through Christ.  

Until we ask for and allow the Holy Spirit to teach us, assure us and, yes, validate us through His word and His voice, then we will never be enough.  In response to our own need for identity validation, we will continue to attack and tear down others hoping to elevate ourselves in the process.  

And in no way have I even begun to scratch the surface of this Truth.  It is a pursuit I accept will be an ongoing life challenge.  

But what I can share is how much the Lord is breaking my heart over this need in His creation.  As much as I believe my precious miracles were hand-crafted by God, so was every single person in the entire world.  The cashier at the grocery store.  The teenager hoping that one boy will notice her.  The orphan desperate for love and food.  The widow feeling lonely and isolated.  The young woman sold by her family as a sex slave.  They are all created in the image of God.  They are each loved and, yes, SEEN, by the Creator.  He doesn't overlook us or discard us or blow us off.  

When we accept Him as our Savior, He becomes the answer to every question.  I am okay because I am His.  I am enough because He is more than sufficient.  I am loving.  I am fearless.  I am powerful.  Because He is love.  Because through Him, I am more than a conquerer.  Because He has given me His power through the Holy Spirit.  

I am because He is.  

That is the answer.  That is the truth.

Here's the practical application for my own life:  As His adopted child, I need to seek to love and yes, validate others.  Take some time to notice those cries for help.  Pray for Christ to show me how to love the people He has placed in my life.  Ask Him to show me how to love the people suffering.  Ask Him to show me how to love those I can't see and may never meet but can serve through others.  

I am grateful for these lessons.  Grateful for this journey of identity He has placed both Chris and me on recently.  Grateful He is taking this cynical, hard heart of mine and softening it towards His creation.  

I am enough.

What about you?  What has God been teaching you lately?