Gratitude Friday...

Lately I've been dealing with an identity... issue.  Not crisis for sure but more like a conundrum.

I'm not who I was.

It's not so much about being a full-time mom and leaving my career behind.  I am fine with that.

(Oh, I miss working.  Like crazy.)

(But I know I am where God called me to be.)

(Doesn't mean I'm not daily praying for the next step.)

(And I suspect that next step will look nothing like previous steps.)

(Although I would love to wear a suit again.)

It's more about feeling like I have changed so much the last several years.  And yet, without my words, would anyone know it?

I'm not who I was.

Let's face it.  If you know me in real life, I have a big mouth.  Only eclipsed by the size of my opinions.  That part of the brain that tells you "Don't say that!" doesn't work in my brain very often.

Unless I am writing.

Then at least if I say something I shouldn't, I have given it a great deal of thought.  And I'm down with the consequences.

Because I do still believe in being real, open and vulnerable.

But in person?

Pretty sure she is still mouthy and hard to love.  Or like even.

So when I clicked on a site from Pinterest with questions for you and your spouse to answer, one stuck out.

"If you could buy your spouse anything, what would it be?"

That question felt like it would hit at the heart of who I was and who I am.

I told Chris I would pay off our mortgage for him.  He stresses about money.  Pay off our debt and he'd be a happier guy.

His answer to me was...unexpected...yet perfect.

He said he wouldn't buy me anything.  He'd sponsor a child or find someone to pay for their infertility treatments.

I'm not who I was.

And he gets it.

Had that question come up ten years ago, he would have undoubtedly answered by saying he would buy me something ridiculously expensive.

Because that's who I was.

But I'm not who I was.

Now, I'm not claiming to be some sort of martyr here.  I got a new dress and a fabulous necklace for my birthday.  Both items are completely frivolous since wearing them would make me awfully overdressed for puzzles on the playroom floor.

Still, my heart is not in the "stuff" of life.  I see people differently.  I see challenges differently.  I see other people's challenges differently.

But do other people see me differently?

Likely not.  Which is all on me for not being more open, in person, about my Savior and how HE (not me) has changed me.

And yet, I'm not who I was.

With a big Thank You, Lord, my husband knows that.  He sees me differently.  He knows my heart.

And for that, I am immensely grateful.

Thank you, babe, for listening, reading, watching and understanding me.  I'm hard.  I know it.  But thank you for doing it inspite of that.

How has God changed you and are you telling that story?

Brandon Heath - I'm Not Who I Was from artmx on GodTube.

UPDATED:  To add Pumpkin's gratitude list from today.  She is grateful for snacks (aren't we all?) and Superman.  

I am assuming when the fireman visited her school today (scheduled visit, not an emergency) they talked about firemen being supermen.  Assuming that because we haven't watched, discussed or read about Superman in our house.  Although, she could have heard about him from her friends.  New list includes Henry, Eli and Tristan.  Add Deacon and you have my little girl playing with a whole lot of boys.

Lord, help me.