Bruised, Bloated and Blissful…

Well, we’re on day 4 ½ of the stim meds. So far, I’m up only a pound more but I really don’t care.

I swear.

No, honestly. I’m fine with it.

Last time. Not so much. But this time, it all feels so different and that feels like a good thing.

I felt nothing until day 4 in February but I started feeling pretty full by day 2 with this cycle. I’m on the highest dose of follistim allowed (and can I just say, how do “they” know what the highest dose should be? Who determined that? And what happens if you go higher?), so we’re hopeful that means more eggies are growing.

But even if there aren’t any more than last time, I know I’ve done everything I can to prepare my body for this.

* Four months of an all organic diet (with only a handful of hiccups along the way)
* Four months of weekly acupuncture sessions
* Four months of herbal supplements
* Four months of using “green” cleaning products and even organic shampoo, conditioner, body wash and lotions
* Four months with no painted fingernails or toe nails (seriously, have you ever thought about the chemicals seeping in – even if they are pretty colors?)
* Four months letting my body settle in to a comfortable weight instead of forcing it as low as I like it (although, I miss my treadmill. Really, Treadmill, you are loved)

But the most important thing I did was really look at my life. Hold it up to God and let Him show me the things I needed to learn. My devotional this morning asked me what has God shown me about my life along this journey and how has that knowledge expanded my world?

In its simplest form, the Lord has taught me to be grateful for today, thankful for the life He has given me on this earth, awe-struck by His love and sacrifice for me, humbled by the prayers of our friends and family, anxious to be with Him and our little ones in paradise one day and to have more empathy for others who travel difficult journeys.

But the most important lesson I’ve learned is to forgive myself. I tend to put a great deal of pressure on Me. Type AAA personality. After IVF in February did not work, I was devastated and felt somehow I had caused that failure by not being good enough. It was a horrible feeling. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’ll never be good enough. And He loves me regardless. I can’t lose His love or grace. I am His child and He wants nothing more than to have a relationship with me.

And if it took infertility to bring me to Him, then for that I am exceeding grateful.