There we are. Our Awesome Threesome. Walking through the Target. The kids had requested a craft to do after school and we had successfully plundered the Valentine's clearance section for two crafts for about a dollar each.
I was completely manipulating them using their excitement over the crafts to walk casually around the clothing and shoe aisles pursuing the new spring wardrobe arrivals.
Just as we were passing the tank tops (not on sale, which is just wrong), Aubrey Kate said IT.
"I'm just fat."
AND I LOST IT.
I immediately stopped the cart and got eye ball to eye ball with her.
"What did you say, Baby Girl?"
Of course, she was completely silent. I asked her several more times and finally gave in and just repeated what I'd heard.
With tears in her eyes, she confirmed, yes, that's what she said.
I almost started crying myself.
This word. Fat. It's a word I am so very conscious of. It's a word used as a weapon to steal, kill and destroy. And I mean that sincerely.
Here is why I am overtly conscious of this word and kinda how I got there:
1. It's a word meant to hurt.
The enemy's weapon is to divide. It's not a fancy tool but man, it's crazy effective. We fall for it all the live long day. As much as a playground or a school classroom or a gymnasium can be used for something fun and carefree and productive and necessary, they can all be used to wound and separate and inflict pain.
And girls? Oh, we know how to use words to make all the bad feelings come alive and write them on the hearts of other little girls.
There's nothing kind or uplifting or encouraging about referring to someone or yourself as "fat." The word serves one purpose and that is to inflict pain.
2) I am still a recovering negative speech addict.
God did a miracle in my own life when I was pregnant with Aubrey Kate. I have told the story often since then. Sitting there in bed, feeling my daughter kicking and watching a healthy and hurt celebrity break out in hives talking about how a photo of her turned her life upside down. Because she was called "fat." In that moment, I knew God created us beautifully and amazingly and I was responsible to teaching my daughter just that.
And I can say with certainty, I was given freedom that day.
But I am not perfect. There are days I deliberately avoid looking in the mirror simply to skip the negative reaction I might have to what I see. Instead, I put on my work out clothes and run. And I'm grateful that same body I didn't want to see can carry me through that run on that day.
To hear that word come from the miracle daughter God used to change my heart, give me a bigger revelation about Him, was hard-hitting. Jarring.
3) My daughter is BEAUTIFUL and I tell her that ALL THE TIME.
There's a good deal of advice floating around the internets about how we talk to our daughters. I've read a zillion of them. Some I agree with and some I think are bunk.
Some have advised not to tell my daughter she's beautiful. Not to focus on her physical appearance at all. Instead, tell her about her character and her skills and her talents.
But, for us, we will never stop telling our daughter she's beautiful. We've discussed. We agree. Fervently.
I will never miss the chance to tell her how Her Creator put each piece of her together just amazingly. From the top of her golden hair to the bottom of her tiny feet. She's got her daddy's eyes and his button nose. She's got my eye color and my long fingers. And let's not forget her long legs that help her do those ballet jumps so well.
I tell her all those things because I want her to know someone who loves her desperately believes she is beautiful.
At the core of our parenting is a belief we need to mirror the attributes of Christ; love, mercy, peace and grace. What she learns from us about those things will impact her view of our Savior. The most earthly love she will experience in childhood will come from us. Her parents. And we love her desperately. All of her.
Do we tell her how kind she is? Of course. Do I tell her how proud I am for counting by ten's so well? Yep. Do I praise her for the way she put together that Valentine's craft LIKE A BOSS? Absolutely. And I tell her she's a worshiper. What a giving, serving spirit she has. How graceful her twirls are. That God created her to be an artist.
Because she is all those things. A precious, miracle, creative, kind, serving, talented soul. In a simply beautiful package.
4) In action, we do not focus on food. Positive or negative.
We do not make our children eat. Never make them clean their plate. Never make them finish their vegetables. Never make them eat left over dinner for breakfast.
We just don't.
I absolutely do not want my children to attach "good" or "bad" to food.
Now, we watch their intake. Rhys is more of a challenge but even he's getting it now. This morning, he wanted chips for breakfast. Um, no. But how about some blueberries or yogurt? Took him a while and that included some whining but ultimately, he chose blueberries. What I didn't do was tell him chips were bad for him nor shame him for wanting them. I just gave him healthier options.
We did the same thing for AK. For the most part, she makes incredibly healthy choices.
All things in moderation. Sure, we ate some cookies today. But we also ate carrots, pineapple, cherry tomatoes and apples.
Food is just fuel. Nothing more or less. Not a punishment to be endured.
For all those reasons, I have never used the word "fat" around her, to her, about her or about anyone else. I'm even cautious when it comes to animals and babies. I'm not going to assign labels to food or people or emotions by using the term.
So when she used the word "fat" today, I lost it.
It was one of those moments when one thing you have worked so diligently as a mother to preach against comes to be. Alive. Real. Unexpectedly.
I took her face in my hands and spoke the truth about her packaging. She is beautiful. Gorgeous. Amazing. Kind and loving. Graceful. My little artist. Nothing about her is in anyway "fat." Nothing. Never will be.
Then we went on about our shopping but I knew we would come back to the topic tonight.
And we did.
She heard the word from her teacher in reference to a bear. "A bear eats more and more berries and gets fatter and fatter." They were learning about what a bear does in preparation for hibernation. However, Aubrey Kate did not fully understand what hibernation was exactly.
We talked about what the bear was doing and how his body would use that extra food for fuel to keep him alive while he slept through the winter. We talked about how we do that too. We eat a good dinner so we can sleep comfortably through the night and not wake up hungry. But in the morning, we are ready to eat!
We talked again about how creative God is. How He made people and flowers and animals in all shapes and sizes and colors. Roses and sunflowers. Hummingbirds and eagles. Cats and lions. The sunsets in pinks and oranges and blues and purples. Our Creator is an artist.
He created people the same way. White, brown, black. Blond, red, brown. Green, hazel, blue. Praise the Lord, we know people of all those colors. We talked about sizes too. Meme and Gigi are petit. Nana and Momma are tall. Some people are more round and some people are more long. God made them all. And delights in all their differences.
We ended talking about what God says about how He sees us. He tells us we see the outside of a person. The packaging. Our bodies. But God sees our heart. Our character. How we love God. And that's the most important part of us for Him.
So when we call someone an unkind word like "fat," we are only looking at the outside of a person and not their heart. It says more about OUR heart than it does about how they really look. Because we are each uniquely made by God in His image.
I asked her along the way if she understood what I was telling her and she said she did. No real way to know for sure. The word and it's meaning is out there now. In her mind and heart. It breaks my heart. And the worst is knowing, this is just the beginning. There are much worse words, much more hurtful actions and emotions she will learn.
Right now, this feels so big and hard and awful. Tomorrow, maybe it won't. I'm feeling like I am and will continue to over-react. Because I love this little person absolutely desperately.
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