Gratitude: The Holy Spirit...

First, real Mommy Moment of the day... I am in my third shirt today.  Rhys spit up on the first and I dropped food on the second one while eating dinner at 3:30 pm.  Because, let's be honest, I might not get to eat dinner if I don't do it during nap.

Case in point, I ate a bowl of cereal and a gazillion fun sized Snickers yesterday.  And that's it.  Until I ate my "dinner" of popcorn after the kids went to bed.

Mommyhood is not for sissies, y'all.

So Aubrey Kate said just the neatest thing to me this morning.

"Momma, I don't like you.  I like Rhys.  But I don't like you."

Cool.

I'm not sure she totally understood what she was saying.  She's horribly verbal but I'm not always positive she actually understands the meanings of the words she's using.

Of course, maybe that's just my momma heart hoping she didn't understand.

Regardless, I know she didn't intend to be cruel and I also know she didn't mean it.

Especially since last night I came out of Rhys' room after comforting him following 15 minutes of all out SCREAMING to find her bawling on the floor because, "No one will play with me."

Oh for the love.

I wanted to look at her and say, WHATEVER.  In my most awesome 14 year old Valley Girl voice.  Complete with eye roll.

But I didn't.  I picked her up, snuggled her and then we played puzzles.

Anyway, back to the whole not liking me thing.  I made sure to get a little teary (not horribly hard, you know) and have a serious eyeball to eyeball talk with her about hurting people's hearts with our words.  That was not being my sweet girl, Aubrey Kate.

I've been thinking a lot lately about words.  Maybe because of the election.  Maybe because it's football season (and my Auburn Tigers have done poorly, in case you haven't been following along).  Maybe it's because I have a little parrot in the house now who will repeat everything I say.

But more than likely, it's because the Lord has really been dealing with me about my words.

Words can be hurtful.  Words can be deceiving.  Words can be shallow.  Words can be oh so many things from behind the curtain of technology.

But lately, even what I say in person has been all wrong.  It seems I've spent a good bit of time apologizing to people for the absolutely hurtful things that have come out of my mouth.  

Had to do that tonight.  

Thankfully, the apologizing is getting easier.  I barely break a sweat now.  I kick myself for weeks but I don't sit around wringing my hands hoping the feeling of needing to reconcile with a friend will simply go away.

And I don't try to brush is off as the enemy either.

It is the Holy Spirit.  And that is that.

Tonight as I was feeding Rhys before bed, I was thinking about what I had said to my wonderful friend and I asked, "Lord, why do I keep doing this?"  

And the Holy Spirit whispered, "You didn't ask for my help."

So.  True.

Lately, verses about living a quiet life have been everywhere for me.

"...and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life..." ~ 1 Thessalonians 4:11

"I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people - for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness.  This is good, and pleases God our Savior..."  ~ 1 Timothy 2:1-3

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."  ~ 1 Peter 3:3-4

The Holy Spirit has been urging me to examine the words in my life.  If someone saw only my facebook status updates and comments, would they see Jesus?  If someone saw only my blog and my comments on others' blogs, would they see Jesus?  If someone saw neither of those but knew me in person, would they see Jesus?  

I shudder to think about the truthful answers to those questions.  

Just like Aubrey Kate's words today, I don't mean to be hurtful or cruel.  Most of the time I am just running my mouth talking about myself or I make what I mean to be a joke or even a compliment but it comes out all wrong.  So terribly wrong.  

I even asked Chris last week, what happened to the girl who used to sit quietly in a group and observe?  Where did she go?  He used to say Robin rarely speaks but when she does, it's important.  Now I feel like I'm the opposite.  I'm rarely quiet but when I am, it's important.

But bottom line, the Holy Spirit has got something to say to me and He needs me to be quiet, for once, and listen.

I am thankful for that.  Even if it took me a couple of months to finally admit that's what needs to happen.

Honestly, I believe this also means I need to give the blog a rest.  That will be hard because I know the grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins keep up with us through this blog.  However, we all know whatever I need to learn is far more important than some randomness about my kiddos.  And certainly more important than me talking about myself.

Amen?

So it seems I am ending a month of gratitude posts by being thankful the Holy Spirit didn't give up on me.  Grateful to finally let out the stress of trying to run from it.  Grateful to simply accept the quiet.  

Please don't take this as notice to leave me alone.  Heavens no.  If I stopped getting emails and texts and comments from my precious family and friends, this process will be so much harder.  But I will ask that you pray for me and my little family.  Not sure what the Holy Spirit has to teach me but I suspect it will be a lesson for all of us.  And we know He won't discipline without a purpose AND a call to action.

Can't wait to share with y'all what I hear!

(NOTE:  I feel I need to say this.  This was not about anyone other than me.  I'm not calling anyone out here.  Honestly.  Look, y'all know me well enough at this point to know it's all about me anyway.  Take a deep breath and believe me, I am NOT trying to step on anyone else's toes but my own.)