That moment you walk by yourself six years ago...

Last Thursday night, I went to the grocery store after the kiddos were in bed.  I had been to the grocery store the day before but for some reason, I'd neglected to check on my stash of diapers for Rhys.  

I realized Thursday night his stash equalled exactly three.  

So not much of a stash.

Since we'd taken Mom to the airport earlier in the day, I had showered and did actually have on makeup.  However, I had not washed my hair, opting for a pony tail.  My hair was stuck in the in betweens.  You know, the day when you could wash it or it could go another day if you sported a pony tail.  And didn't sweat.  

And although I'd worn my contacts earlier, I'd taken them out thinking I might get a nap in.  Which didn't happen.  

To make it even better, I had changed out of my street clothes into Stacy and Clinton's worst nightmare.

Sweat pants.

Not the ones with holes in them though.  Just the nice, regular ones.  

Paired those with a maternity tank top (which rock BTW because they are long enough for tall people) and a sweat shirt jacket (is that the right term?) that is stained from years of use AND no longer has a zipper.  The zipper lost it's battle to hang on this summer.  

Add to that, my showing roots.  I so love that line between my dull dirty blonde and the highlighted pretty blonde.  For some reason, I feel the pony tail makes that line even more apparent.  

Basically, I looked homeless.  With some mascara.  

Anyway, I hung out in the grocery store probably longer than I should have.  Honestly, it was quiet there.  And there were Halloween costumes.  I stood in front of a tiara for several minutes contemplating 1) if it was big enough for an adult to wear and 2) if I would have time to actually mail it to my friend.  

Someday, Darcy.  Someday.

So I was in a rush to get out the door thinking I'd left Chris alone with two kids for too long.  In my haste, I almost ran over...myself.

There, walking in the grocery store, was me.  Circa 2006.

She was about my height and build.  Her hair was pulled back in a clip and looked all breezy and effortless.  She was wearing a fabulous pair of jeans which fit her perfectly and hit the exact right length on top of her super cute platform nude heels.  Her knit shirt had a banded waist, a ruffle around the collar and buttons down the center.  The pearl earrings looked so sweet and made her look equally precious.  

She smiled at me as we passed.

And I immediately recognized her.  

She was me.  I was her.  

I unloaded the groceries into the car and then I sat there thinking about the last time I had seen her.  

My best guess was around the fall of 2006.  I had just completed my first off site meeting for my company.  Chris and I were having a blast being a part of the band at OU.  Had a great group of friends through our church which we truly adored.  

My days were filled with running, running and more running with only about 45 minutes of that being actual physical exercise.  I was glued to my blackberry, harnessed to my job as the sole breadwinner and feeling like stress was a permanent state of being.

And, honestly, feeling like I couldn't breathe.  

By December of that year, I knew I couldn't breathe.  We were in Chicago for Chris' annual National Gigantic Band Geek Conference.  While he attended seminars and hobnobbed, I put in five miles on the treadmill, worked a lot, did some shopping on the Miracle Mile and planned my outfits for fancy dinners out.  

However, I also found myself curled up under the covers in a hotel room watching the rain pour outside and aching.  

And what I was aching for under those covers in December 2006 was to be shopping for diapers at 9 pm looking a little like a homeless person after an exhausting day of caring for my precious children.  

The memory of that ache will never fade.  It lasted all the way until I held Aubrey Kate in my arms.  

Walking by myself last week reminded me that when I last looked like her, all I wanted was to be me.  

Sweat pants and all.

December 2006

July 2012