Gratitude: Growing up...

When I was home in March, my dad gave me this little book to read. Heaven is For Real. It's pretty much awesome. Short little book that pulls at every heart string. Especially for those who have loved ones in heaven.

We have lots. Grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, friends and for us, babies. Ten babies. Aubrey Kate is our eleventh embryo.

Last Friday, the authors of the book, the Burpo family, were on a radio program we listen to in the mornings.

And yes, family, it is the radio show Mom is obsessed with. It's on satellite and I have to say, Aubrey Kate could probably sing the theme song along with Noah. We do travel for almost an hour every Tuesday and Thursday on the way to work.

Yeah. I know. I have no real excuses.

Anyway, the family was talking about seeing the child they lost to miscarriage. Dad said from what Colton has explained, it appears babies and children do grow and stop in their prime while we older folks past our prime, will return to that age in heaven.

My guess is my prime is 28.

So not 35. Ask me about my back. I have stories.

I really liked the idea of my babies growing. I also got a little giggle thinking about my grandmother and Grandmother Evans chasing after ten toddlers.

But then.

Oh you see it coming.

I got a little sad.

Our little miracle embryo was almost asleep in the back seat. She has grown up so flippin' fast. I know people tell you time will fly by. And you totally believe them. As much as one possibly can. But then it happens and all you can say is man alive, time flies by!

So here I am. One baby/toddler in the car. Thinking about a packed pew of babies/toddlers in heaven. Hopefully at least one of them looks like me. Or my dad. Or my mom. Or anyone on my side of the family.

Really. Anyone.

Maybe there's a boy or two. Maybe they're all boys and we got the one girl with us. Maybe Grandmother is taking pictures of them so Chris and I can see what they looked like as they grew. Maybe Grandmother Evans is cooking them breakfast everyday and waking them up at the crack of dawn because "this isn't an all day kitchen."

For whatever reason, our little ones have been on my heart and mind so much lately. Even before the radio broadcast. It could be the time of year. Both because of the upcoming holidays and because with Chris' 80 hour work week, I have far too much time alone with my thoughts. But whatever the reason, I've been missing them.

I suspect that's hard to understand. Missing embryos. I was never pregnant with them. In fact, only three of them ever made it to transfer.

But I love them like I love Aubrey Kate.

So it's hard to think of them as toddlers when I never felt them kick me, held them as infants or even changed their diapers. I can't help feeling sad about missing those precious moments.

But at the same time...I'm so jealous. They are with Jesus! He can hold them in His lap. He can give them hugs. They get to see His face. Hear His voice. Feel His love.

All while being surrounded by doting grandparents.

I looked back in the seat and watched as my one miracle baby girl fought falling asleep. She was holding on to Stripes. Doing that thing she does with her tongue that comforts her to sleep.

And I found myself both so grateful to have her and sorry she isn't with her siblings. Because let's face it, Jesus is way better than anything we can offer her on earth.

Thank you Lord for all our babies! Give those with you big hugs and kisses from us. We can't wait to get home and worship You in the same pew with them!