Keeping it Real: Withdrawal...

Since I realize my life is always at the forefront of your mind, I know ya'll remember I had the privilege of having post-postpartum depression.

It was awesome.

Crying all the time. No energy to get dressed much less leave the house. And the cherry on top was being ridiculously angry at Chris for absolutely no reason. All the time.

I gotta tell ya, I think drugs are flippin' fabulous. It was like I was the best of my best self. Energetic, happy, focused, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and complete craft projects every night after cooking dinner. You know, the usual super mom stuff.

The other side of that fabulousness was that I pretty much felt the same way all the time.

Completely even. No highs. No lows. Just a long, long, long, long flat line of exactly the same.

That flatness made worship, particularly, a struggle. I missed the highs of singing in the car, dancing with Pumpkin and worshiping next to my husband in church. It's not that I didn't enjoy it but it literally felt the same as most everything else in my life. Good. Even. Flat.

Right about now some of ya'll are wondering what the problem with that is. Others of you are wondering if this was the best of her, let's not stick around to meet the worst.

It's okay. I've met myself. I get it.

When I started the drugs, I knew I would need to be on them for six months or more. Largely because that's what the doctor told me. I was down with that plan since those six months would include going back to work, Chris going to work, the big fund-raiser at work, the holidays and then leaving work.

The leaving work part is important. Because I left behind insurance too.

I picked up Chris'. It's just way, way more expensive. So way.

The happy pills are no longer in the budget.

That way.

So a couple of months ago, I started getting off of them. I checked with the doctor of course. I had to do this tapering off thing. Every other day. Then every three. So on and so forth. When I finally went five days without them, I thought I was home free.

And I was wrong.

See, here's the thing. My body liked the happy pills. Like really liked them. Without them, it has rebelled. There's the brain zaps which basically feel like a split second electric shock. Things go blurry. Kinda feels like an ice cream headache. And then it's gone.

Then there's the body aches. Like the flu only it lasts weeks longer.

And remember all those PPD symptoms? Yep. Theeeyyyy'rrrrreeeee baaaack. (Please totally read that in your best Poltergeist voice)

Of course, I had no idea what was causing all this. The brain zaps, yes. The other stuff, no. So I did a googling and whadayaknow? There's a withdrawal process in getting off these meds.

Withdrawal!?!?!!?

Thankfully, most of the symptoms have gone away. Or at least they've chilled the heck out. It's all boiled down now to headaches that last for literally days and the brain zaps linger too. I'm still awfully touchy. I find my feelings are hurt so quickly. I am pretty much exhausted all the time. Although that could have more to do with a kiddo who's favorite game is chase.

And so here I am. No longer a flat line. More like a whole lot of valleys with a little hill when I get to take a nap.

Except for the mountain tops of worship.

I feel almost as if I am sitting right there at Jesus' feet. Honestly, He might be getting a little tired of hearing from me. It's like I have a year's worth of heart to share.

Although, Chris is probably not as thrilled. My poor husband. Tell Jesus all about it babe.