Ya’ll have seen us go through a lot of “stuff” since we started this blog all the way back in March 2008 (please read "all the way" as exceedingly sarcastic). There is honestly very little about my life that doesn’t make the blog. It started as a place to keep our families updated since we don't live near them. Then it turned into a place for me to test my creativity. But God took it and changed my own life through it. Now it is a place where I meet my Savior. And even more importantly, I hope He meets you here on occasion.
I am a Christian. And while that is the greatest joy of my life, the Lord never promised us an easy road. I’m down with that. And I want everyone to understand that. Do I love it? Nope. Do I understand the purpose? Not always. But do I believe whole-heartily that when I am weak He is strong? Absolutely.
That leads me to what’s been going on lately. And since I want to be honest with you about who I am and what the Lord is doing in my life, it’s time to share.
(At this point, you’re wondering if I’ve got a terminal disease or something but it’s not that awful.)
For weeks after Aubrey Kate’s arrival, I struggled. I adored her but something was not right with me. I cried. All. The. Time. I was angry at Chris for no real reason. I found myself drowning most of it with Blue Bell Cookies & Cream Ice Cream (Hello. Yum).
Weeks went by with no real improvement. I would get better while people were here visiting. I could get out of bed to clean the house and get ready for them. But as soon as they left, back to bed I went and the constant crying resumed.
I did my best to hide it from Chris but when I sat in my living room with my brother, sister-in-law and Mom crying because my baby was being fussy, Chris realized something was not right. I was now avoiding exercising. Not returning emails. Not talking to friends. Heck, most days I was doing good to brush my teeth.
He pulled up a test online for postpartum depression and asked me to take it. I did. And cried through it. I landed smack in the middle somewhere between being blissfully happy and wanting to drive my car into a tree. He started asking a whole lot of questions and I answered them as best as I could. Afterward, he kissed me on my forehead and said, it’s time to call the doctor, babe.
And for reasons I don’t even understand, I did.
The next day I was in my doctor’s office. They don’t mess around when you call to say the baby blues are not getting better all while sobbing uncontrollably. He looked me right in the eye and said, you have to take something.
And so I am.
It’s been three weeks now and I feel like a totally different person. Actually, I feel more like myself than I have in probably years. I have energy. I am excited. I laugh. I run. And I don’t cry when Pumpkin does.
I am happy.
As I was thinking about this post, the Lord reminded me of the Sunday almost a year ago when we were waiting to hear about our embryos. We were at church and the sermon was on David and his struggle with depression. I went back and read the verses from that sermon. I was even able to pull it up through our church’s archives.
God knew even a year ago, when my baby girl was still only an 11 celled three day old embryo, that I would need a sermon about depression. He knew those verses would remind me of how David struggled. He knew I would remember every detail (I can still remember what I was wearing) of that day so He led our pastor to that particular sermon.
I am a Christian. And while that is the greatest joy of my life, the Lord never promised us an easy road. I’m down with that. And I want everyone to understand that. Do I love it? Nope. Do I understand the purpose? Not always. But do I believe whole-heartily that when I am weak He is strong? Absolutely.
That leads me to what’s been going on lately. And since I want to be honest with you about who I am and what the Lord is doing in my life, it’s time to share.
(At this point, you’re wondering if I’ve got a terminal disease or something but it’s not that awful.)
For weeks after Aubrey Kate’s arrival, I struggled. I adored her but something was not right with me. I cried. All. The. Time. I was angry at Chris for no real reason. I found myself drowning most of it with Blue Bell Cookies & Cream Ice Cream (Hello. Yum).
Weeks went by with no real improvement. I would get better while people were here visiting. I could get out of bed to clean the house and get ready for them. But as soon as they left, back to bed I went and the constant crying resumed.
I did my best to hide it from Chris but when I sat in my living room with my brother, sister-in-law and Mom crying because my baby was being fussy, Chris realized something was not right. I was now avoiding exercising. Not returning emails. Not talking to friends. Heck, most days I was doing good to brush my teeth.
He pulled up a test online for postpartum depression and asked me to take it. I did. And cried through it. I landed smack in the middle somewhere between being blissfully happy and wanting to drive my car into a tree. He started asking a whole lot of questions and I answered them as best as I could. Afterward, he kissed me on my forehead and said, it’s time to call the doctor, babe.
And for reasons I don’t even understand, I did.
The next day I was in my doctor’s office. They don’t mess around when you call to say the baby blues are not getting better all while sobbing uncontrollably. He looked me right in the eye and said, you have to take something.
And so I am.
It’s been three weeks now and I feel like a totally different person. Actually, I feel more like myself than I have in probably years. I have energy. I am excited. I laugh. I run. And I don’t cry when Pumpkin does.
I am happy.
As I was thinking about this post, the Lord reminded me of the Sunday almost a year ago when we were waiting to hear about our embryos. We were at church and the sermon was on David and his struggle with depression. I went back and read the verses from that sermon. I was even able to pull it up through our church’s archives.
God knew even a year ago, when my baby girl was still only an 11 celled three day old embryo, that I would need a sermon about depression. He knew those verses would remind me of how David struggled. He knew I would remember every detail (I can still remember what I was wearing) of that day so He led our pastor to that particular sermon.
Because He knew.
How great is our God. He orchestrates it all. Plan A. Not plan F or Z like we sometimes feel.
So there you have it. I am a real person. Struggling with real stuff. And a real Christian who believes my God provides in ways that simply blow me away. Could He take away all of our struggles? Make it so we never have to think about words like postpartum depression or infertility? Of course! But then we would miss all these amazing moments when we see His infinite love for us.
Moments when a sermon a year ago stays with you for just when you need it.
Been there, done that!!
ReplyDeleteFor some reason I think that Postpartum Depression is like miscarriages...no one really talks about them, and yet they happen much more frequently than we realize. (But really, how could we *not* expect it to happen given the tsunami of hormonal fluctuations??!!)
I also think that the lack-of-sleep haze makes us forget about this very common struggle when it comes time to coach new Moms on what to expect once you bring that baby home.
I will share that the drug my OB gave me made my blood pressure spike up, and that was what lead me to Progesterone cream...made my depression and short temper vanish without the bad side affects...which ultimately lead me to researching what else I could "fix" without a prescription medication.
I'm proud of you for sharing!!
With much love in my heart, and a kiss for AK,
~Kimber
Thank you so much for sharing this! We love you!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing...it helps me to gauge where I on based on your description of how you were feeling. I hope your first day of work goes well!
ReplyDeleteThank you for having the courage to share, my friend! I know someone is going to read this and breathe a big sigh of relief knowing they aren't the only one. Glad you are feeling better and smiling!!
ReplyDeletexoxo
Is your baby still super fussy? The Happiest Baby DVD helped me tremendously when my little one wouldn't stop crying and crying and crying....
ReplyDeleteI had the same problem -- crying nonstop for no reason.... and my 'magic pills' have been my lifesaver! I am so thankful that God made someone who invented this kind of medicine, cause where would I be without it???!!!
ReplyDeleteThis happens SO much and no on wants to talk about it... I wish someone had warned me ahead of time back then so I didn't feel so guilty!Thanks for sharing!