Gratitude Friday...

I am missing my babies today.  Everything about my babies.  Don't babies just have the most amazingly sweet smell?  Heaven must smell like that.  

I can't even with those faces.  So sweet and chubby.

And you know the best part?  Limited vocabularies.  

I mean, sure, we weren't sleeping through the night.  There were bottles and going poor buying formula.  And poopy diapers.  But heavens, they were so precious.

Not once did those babies, when asked to let me take a picture of them, say, "Okay but prepare yourself for the Shopkins poster to be it with me."

Gracious.

Aubrey Kate has been having a rough couple of weeks.  She's doing well in school.  Great, in fact.  But all that keeping it composed and under control at school seems to equal outbursts and tantrums at home.  

I had read about this happening so mostly, I've been doing what I could to keep her calm.  But honestly, it's not helping.

Now, let's define an Aubrey Kate "tantrum."  It's approximately zero what you're thinking.  

What it is though is one part complaining...about all the things...ever, one part over-dramatic...about all the things...ever and one part sensory over-load...about all the things...ever.

She's complaining about everything and it's the sassiest thing you've ever seen.  

Oh no.  I mean SEEN.  Sure, you get to hear her too.  The people next door can hear her.  But to the extent she talks with her hands and facial expressions, it definitely has to be seen.

We are on our fourth mermaid costume.  Trying to find something without velcro, zippers, seams that touch us, straps that sit at the exact right spot and tulle that doesn't touch are feet...well, it's a challenge.  The first three were thrift store finds.  I actually thought that would be better.  They'd been broken in.  

I was wrong.

This fourth one is brand new from Target.  It's one piece and the tulle is lined with a poly satin fabric so it doesn't touch her feet.  I had to cut off the embellishments on the straps and I'll have to sew some soft felt on to the back of those straps and along the front seam.  BUT it works.  

Also, oh yeah, there's an also, we finally found a new pair of slippers for school.  The sixth pair.  

Sixth.

I think what's going on here is, in addition to her tantrums, her sensory issues are hitting a high point too.  

We are both exhausted.

The other night, we had a heart to heart talk.  I wanted to see if she could express in words, non-dramatic words, what she was feeling.  We talked about complaining and being frustrated and things not going our way and our choices in all of those.  

I admitted I was tired and not feeling like myself either.  Told her I had been complaining too much and was certainly frustrated.  

We made a deal.  Each time she hears me complain, she's to stop me and ask, "Momma, what are you thankful for right now?"  And I would do the same for her.

After our deal, we decided to go through our list of thankful items for the day.  She, as usual, could not think of a single thing.  

So I listed things for her.  

We had gone to the Pumpkin patch that day.  Met some friends sweet friend there.  They'd gotten to go play at an indoor play place after the pumpkin patch and lunch.  Grabbed ice cream cones on the way home.  Walked to the park and played at TWO parks by our house for almost two hours.  Then she got to play with her friend across the street before dinner, bath, book and bed.  

That was quite the list.

After I went through all of that, she said this...

"Momma, why is it that your heart can see God and all the good things to be thankful for and my heart can't?"

And then my heart broke.

I kissed her head and thought for a minute.  

"Baby, one day your heart will absolutely see it.  One day, when Jesus comes into your heart, He will whisper to you and you'll see.  He will be all around you.  And you'll see even more than I see."

We talked for a little while longer.  She seemed comforted by our talk.  And, thankfully, this week has been getting progressively better.  

And I have been on my knees praying for her.  

She is right there.  Right at that moment when she's ready to start seeking.  All those parts of her that make shoes and costumes and socks hurt also make her crazy intuitive and perceptive.  Her question blew me away but it's not unlike her.  She's watching and processing and learning so very much.  Every second of every day.  

For all the parts and all the ways my little girl is made, I am grateful.  

For all the precious whispers from my Savior I can pass along to His beautiful child He has loaned to me, I am grateful.  

For His whispers to me, at all, in all my mess and frustrations and failings, I am grateful.

Raising little people, it's hard.  There's zero easy about this.  Well, other than falling madly in love with them.  That kinda came easy for me.  Did you see those adorable faces?  

But the rest?  Heavens.  I'm hanging on for dear life.